My Extended Essay Is Due Tomorrow

Your thesis for the Extended Essay is whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay. Your alternate thesis for the Extended Essay is why IB jokes/checklists are so prolific and the amount of fact contained within them. You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed. You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school. You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes. You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study. Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs 30 pounds. You have convinced your parents the "1" you received on your IB Chemistry exam was really the "top 1% of all IB students worldwide". You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time to gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class. You write stories and give them to other people to analyze for you because you don't understand them. You were a pair of antennae (deedleyboppers) on your head and think you're a water molecule. The fact that "wear" is spelled wrong in #29 bothers you.

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Your idea of a 3 AM party game is analyzing the socio-political commentary in Dr.

You complain about studying for your foreign language exam ...

Your Physics teacher knows how to say "outstanding" in over 30 languages, yet chooses "cool beans!

You're disappointed when you only get 100% on a test.

Your fellow IBers look forward to your parties, attend them, and do actual studying there. Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of her (his) epidermis and the wonderful shape of her (his) occipital plate. You forget your brother's name because you haven't seen him in three years.

You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table of elements the fastest. You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your IB herd. You see your Extended Essay advisor more than you see your parents. You have theoretical physics discussions at parties. The number on your screen name corresponds to the page number that character you use for your screen name has an appearance in the book you got it from. Whenever you're watching a movie you find all the motifs and themes ... You go to bed at 3 AM and think, "Oh, it's an early night! Your favorite saying is "If I get a hundred on every test for the rest of the year ..." 42. Your smile of satisfaction fades when you remember to start on your World Lit paper. You've sold your soul ⦠and have to wait 4 years to get it back. You cloned yourself so you could sell your clones' souls to each of your teachers. Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it. You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams. Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework. You can count your first math quiz grade on one hand. You wonder if there's Spark Notes on the Calculus book. You don't really cheat - you just tell people the answers. Cheating became too difficult, so you took up telepathy. You manage to complete a semesters worth of homework the day before the term ends. You finish your extended essay shortly after midnight. You relax vicariously through your non-IB friends (what non-IB friends??? You realize that something is missing when your backpack feels too light. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before. You complain that you can't store notes on your graphing calculator for the IB English exam. BN.com, amazon.com, and Books-A-Million offered to give you a free shipment/order each so you took full advantage of it and are now banned from those stores/sites (it took 6 semis to deliver the orders! You understand that the list skipped from 77 to 89 for one sole reason: LACK OF SLEEP. You've consulted tarot cards for hints on a History test. You've developed an imprint of your book bag in your back. Your best hope for most classes is either divine intervention or a strategically placed lightning bolt. You have 15 library cards each under a different alias. You searched all the books in the local public library, so you found a loophole that allowed you to check out books from the local university stacks. Your list of excuses for not doing your homework is the length of Anna Karenina. You exceed the 4200 word limit on the Extended Essay (by over 1000 words). The simplest words you know are at least 10 letters long. You ask what your summer reading assignment will be in October. You come into school at am to do Biology and don't complain. You get dirty looks from the Regular Kids in your homeroom. It takes more than one trip to carry the books you need between your car and your locker. You carry around SAT vocab flash cards to whip out in your free time. You can list all 5 definitions on vocabulary tests. When you are home sick, you can't help but wonder what work you're missing and what your homework is. When you're watching TV, you feel guilty because not all of your homework is done. That was a lie, you don't watch TV (except for NBC News at 6). You show up 4 hours late to an IB test and still manage to get a "5". During a Chemistry test, instead of doing the work, you write a random answer program in your TI-83 Silver Edition and get the highest score in the class. Your idea of great art is simultaneously graphing the sine, cosine and tangent graphs on your calculator. You have functioning electrical appliances in your locker. You actually believe "mental health days" are excused absences. Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans. You're afraid of sunlight since you haven't seen it in 3 years.

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